Just My baby

Today I supervised a year 12 English class. Their teacher had left them work to do , but they had moments of conversation that captured my interest. They were sharing their plans for the future. I almost felt as though I was eavesdropping as I listened in. Only a few months and they have finished school and they are making decisions about their future. One minute they are sitting there in school uniforms feeling forced to do work they aren't particularly enjoying, and the next they will be expected to make choices that will steer the direction of the rest of their lives.

Then I felt it. It started in my stomach and then surged upwards to my chest. A kind of cross between panic and disbelief. These 'men' were somebodies babies, someone's little schoolboy. I looked into their faces and could almost see what their mums saw on their first day of school, sweet, innocent babes. And I thought, this will be me in only a year. And we know how fast a year goes. It will be me listening to Mr B talk about his future plans. His future plans without us. And I just can't imagine our family without him around.

I'm not ready and don't even know how to make myself ready. I'm the mum who cried as I enrolled Mr B into pre-school. I'm the mum who couldn't bring herself to ever put her children into childcare, feeling it would deprive her of a day with her babies. I'm the mum who has spent half her life time in the classroom with her children so she could choose their friends knows exactly what's going on on their lives.(ok, so I may or may not be a little neurotic!) So, how am I going to become the mum who stays so actively involved steps back and lets them have their own life?

We live in a smaller country town. He has to leave in order to pursue a higher education or get a reasonable job. Will he want to come back? Sure, we're here, but is that enough? Have I smothered him too much, to the point he can't wait to leave? Have we moved so many times that he doesn't feel as though he has a base? He will have lived here for three years, is that long enough to have made those deeper connections and feel like this was home? Or was it just another place in a string of many.

How do you do it? How do you prepare? He's just my baby.

Oh, ok, so thousands of mums have gone down this road before me and survived. And I may have PMT which may or may not have tempered my emotions a bit. And it's probably nothing a good glass of red couldn't cure, but still....

Life's Like That...

The days are dragging, yet the year is going so fast. How does that work?
It just seems that the year has hardly begun and we are heading to half way through.
It makes me feel old and that I'm not achieving much.
I think it's the irregularity of work at the moment that is contributing to this. One week I may work 4 days, then 1 the next. The uncertainty, the never knowing is starting to wear thin. I don't make plans for my day because I may be called up. Then I don't get called up and I'm at home with no plans. What would I do? I'd take piano lessons again. I do a photography course. I'd have coffee with friends. Or maybe I'd just read.

My current reading pile.

Today, the weather was spectacular for an Autumn day. If only it could be like this all year round. So, cause I had no other plans, I gardened.

For half the day anyway. For the other half I was a taxi. Four trips over to town and back. Exams, appointments. Ok, so one of them may have been unnecessary as I was a week early for a specialist appointment.

Last week I looked for a lounge. May as well fill my days with shopping! Except I'm not earning the money to buy the lounge. Bit of a catch 22 really.

Last Friday I went with a group of ladies from church to a women's conference in Moree. What better way to get to know people than on a road trip. I'm not sure it lived up to my expectations. The girls were lovely, the trip was fun, but the conference was a little flat. And I really didn't need flat.

Although there was one speaker who made me laugh. She was real and honest. She said she used to pray that her husband would die. Did she really just voice one of my own dreams? She's the bishop's wife, so it must be ok then. Not that I really meant it when I dreamt it. Or maybe I did. It was only once...or maybe twice... Years ago, when I was tired of being a defence wife, tired of living away from family, tired of raising three children on my own with a husband away all the time.

Thankfully, God didn't listen to that prayer. And now I feel better about having ever prayed it in the first place.

At least the irregularity of work means that every day is a surprise! Not sure what I'll be doing tomorrow. No plans.

Just Stuff...

The mornings are becoming very crisp and cool.

The kids are all out of the house by 7.40 on school days, so it was very tempting to turn my electric blanket up high and curl back up into bed with my book. I seriously contemplated it.

Why not? Because you have too many things to do. But surely there can be a lttle leeway? Common sense prevailed. Made another cup of coffee, a bowl of porridge and got on with my day.

Why so much to do? A busy weekend last weekend just meant there is a lot of catching up to do. Worked 4 days last week and Friday night had us all in different directions and I was home alone. Took a minute out to contemplate the busy weekend ahead.

Saturday meant travelling to a nearby town to Watch Mr B play rugby. It was an absolutely beautiful Autumn day. They won their match.

My sister and her husband live in this town and they are building a house. Literally themselves. A long, ongoing project. So we had a look at their progress before heading home.

The Major and I then headed out with some friends to watch a local production of Aida. For an amateur production I really enjoyed it. Which is great. We need to know that even in the country there are some quality cultural experiences.

Sunday, Mother's Day. Usually I really don't like this day. The Major is not known for his emotional side, so there is no breakfast in bed, no Happy Mother's Day greetings, no gift, no card. It has always been this way, but I'd just rather avoid all the questions from other people- Did you get breakfast in bed? Did they spoil you? Miss E did apologise to me, she was upset that she didn't have anything for me but she didn't have the capacity to do anything about it without the help of her dad. It's always awkward and I'd rather skip the whole day. But this year was different. I was able to spend the afternoon with my own mother which is only the second time in 23 years. And it was lovely.

I found this on the weekend.

Perfect. http://lesleyandjo.wordpress.com
Will be hanging it in the family room.

The Easter Holidays

Wow, have two weeks of holidays really come and gone already?? In fact, we've been back at school for a week now. The holidays just went so fast. The first week was spent running around to dentists appointments, having family dinner of 19, visiting the farm and travelling to a funeral. Then, it was off to Adelaide. We all went and although the major and I had been back a few times, the kids hadn't been back at all. The plan was that we were all going to drive down, but the funeral arrangements meant that I had to fly down instead. Which sounds great considering the drive takes over 15 hours.

But a 4 hr wait in Sydney meant it was a long trip.

But it was sooooo worth it! We had a fabulous time. I just love being with J and we have so much fun. And Miss E and Miss G are best friends as well, so it's double trouble. The Major and the boys also caught up with old friends and acquaintances. Someone asked me before we left what we would do to fill in 10 days. Believe me- no issues there. In fact 10 days was hardly long enough.

In summary we (J and I) shopped, took the girls to the movies, drank coffee, ate chocolate, talked and talked and talked.

We lunched with friends, went to a great Paul Coleman Trio concert, drank champagne ( what was left after it was spilled all over J's laptop, which she then proceeded to dry with a hairdryer and melt the page up and down keys!), sang singstar, went to the theatre,

waxed our legs, went for walks, bought an entertainment unit at Ikea, watched DVD's, went to church, sat by the creek and talked

helped with the cooking on Easter youth camp with the church we used to go to

and we decided to set up a blog together. Whilst I'm a blog addict, J's new to it and took some convincing. The plan is to put up one photo every day for a year either living, laughing or loving. So far so good. http://lesleyandjo.wordpress.com/


Then, way too soon, it was back on the plane for home. The Major and the boys drove back, Miss E and I stayed a few days longer and flew home.

It took so long to like being in Adelaide when we used to live there, but now I really miss it. It was great to visit, but then there was the usual melancholy when we left. Family or friends. That's what are decision to move away came down to. I know it was the right one. Wasn't it?? I have to admit that we probably couldn't keep up the pace if we had any longer together. The nights just got later and later. But it was oh so worth it!

There's No Place Like Home

When we lived interstate, almost every school holidays was spent visiting 'home'. Home has and always will be the farm where Mum and Dad live. They have been there for almost 43 years now and everything about there holds so many memories. Now we live locally and with three almost all teenage children, it has actually become hard to visit as weekends are so busy. So now we have two weeks of school holidays. We are heading back to Adelaide this weekend, so between dental visits and dog vaccinations today was the day to go 'home'.

I love being in the comforts of where I grew up. I love the familiarity of it all. I love Mum's cooking. I love the farm fresh air. I love the freedom of being outdoors. I love the lifestyle it offers my children. But as I get older I am also beginning to see it on a more nostalgic light. I wonder how much longer it will be before this situation has to change, before Mum and Dad decide they've had enough. This farm and way of life is the core of my being. So I'm trying to soak it up.

The kids ride their motorbikes, collect eggs, explore, help with farm jobs and just relish the space.

I have lived away from the farm for 23 years now, but I'm still a country girl at heart. I may have lived in large towns or cities since but you know what they say- you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.

After the week that's been, I grateful to be celebrating Mr B's 16th birthday today. Whilst he may have become a mono syllabic teenager who has to be encouraged to speak in sentences that contain more than a grunt and at least a subject and predicate, it really is a blessing to have him around. I am grateful he has caused us no trouble, I am grateful that he has adjusted to the constantly new situations around him well and I am grateful for the person he is becoming.

So what do you do on your 16th birthday? You head off to the RTA to get your Learner's permit of course! He managed to pass his exams and he drove home with the Major with a grin from ear to ear. Completely different story later, however, when we all went out together. The Major in front again instructing with myself in the passenger seat behind Mr B. I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack. He's had a beginners permit for all of like 10 mins and we are driving through relatively busy town traffic. Anything over 20kms an hour was way too fast for my liking, trying to turn on the outside lane of a roundabout as a semi trailer is going through almost caused a heart attack and changing lanes way too quickly had me planning my obituary. The Major assured me that if he can teach students to fly, then he could teach Mr B to drive successfully. I just didn't feel so sure as he proceeded to read a text message. Keep your eyes on the student not the phone!!!! It's okay he says- no it's not I say- be quite yells Mr B- don't yell Mr B. concentrate on the road- you're distracting me Mum- don't answer me back- SLOW DOWN!!!

Okay, so I may not have coped well at all, my heart was racing and I could barely breathe. It was agreed that Mr B's driving lessons would be best done without me in the car. Just he and his dad. Maybe after he's had more experience I'll be able to get back in. He has to log 120 hrs. It's going to be a long journey...

Wake Up Call

So, while I am having a few melodramatic moments about my children growing up and myself getting older, there is nothing like reality to bring you back to earth with a thud. Sad news, tragic news. Suddenly everything I was humphing about seems trivial. A friend whose son died 2 1/2 yrs ago aged nearly 10, has just been diagnosed with the same condition and needs a transplant. She's just turned 40. Suddenly being 41 and relatively healthy is a great option for me. A cousins whose three daughters were involved in a tragic accident- one deceased, one critical and one suffering from an unbearable burden of guilt. Another unrelated girl was killed as well. Wouldn't I rather celebrate the blessing of another year of life a birthday brings than this?
I'm sorry that I need someone's else grief to snap me out of my self imposed stupor. It just doesn't seem right.