Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

...Robert Frost...

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

It's that time of the year....

It's that time of the year again. As if I wasn't feeling 'blah' enough, this time of the year makes me feel worse. Three children having their birthday's within three weeks. Nothing to do with the expense and challenge of three cakes (ok, well maybe a little bit), but the acknowledgement that each of them is a year older, a year further away from being my babies, a year closer to leaving home and me, and the realisation that I am getting older as well. I love who they are becoming, but I miss who they were as well. I miss my babies, miss the cuddles, miss the time playing together.

When Mr B my oldest was six weeks old, I had to leave him with a friend for an hour while I went shopping. (I was basically a single mum for the first year of his life due to a work situation)It brought my heart to leave him. Spent half of the hour sitting in the car crying because that was an hour of his life with him I was missing. As I filled in his enrollment papers for pre-school I cried. He was going to be spending his days with someone else.

But time moves on and I must embrace who they are becoming. It began last Saturday with Mr J, the middle child. He turned 14. He's a simple child, completely uncomplicated. He wanted ice cream cake and was happy to celebrate his birthday with three cousins under three that we were babysitting all weekend. The little things in life are important to him and he has a beautiful soul. Unfortunately all photos of his birthday have disappeared off my camera.

5 days later Miss E celebrated her 12th birthday. It was a Thursday, a busy day with Calfit and guitar lessons. Added to this she had her braces put on the day before and she was miserable. Miss E is a unique girl. She has started Highschool and she is changing. Most probably all age related. Hormonal. But we are walking through it as this is only the beginning. She is not a girly girl. Not interested in fashion, not interested in boys or other things most girls her age are into. I am proud that she stays true to herself and pray she continues to do so and not succumb to peer pressure.

Next one in two Saturdays. He'll be 16. Old enough to get his Learner's permit.

I'm sad. But I'm trying to look ahead. It's the natural course of life. It's the way it should be. I'm reminded of what I read on My Life is a Piece of Cake about spending the first part of your life looking ahead, then the next looking back and never actually living in the present. Thanks for the light bulb moment Laura! That's what I'm going to try and do this year. But not until after the next birthday....

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Just feeling a little blah.....

The first six months after moving are usually a combination of finding your feet in your new environment and grieving what you have left behind.The second six months you are beginning to find your way and settle. The next year is tricky. You still haven't been in your new community long enough to have made solid friends but you are really starting to miss those deep connections. And that is where I am at at the moment. Just not feeling connected. My job as a relief teacher doesn't help, can't commit to anything. No regular commitment to groups of interest means no connections. I'm starting to feel like regular part time work would be better- knowing exactly what days you are working each week. But the opportunities for this type of work are extremely limited here. It doesn't help that generally I'm a fairly social person and not having that outlet in my life at the moment is frustrating.

I'm just lacking enthusiasm for anything at the moment. No enthusiasm for the housework (ok, so I may never have had much enthusiasm for that), no enthusiasm for cooking, no enthusiasm for all the things I used to love doing. Just don't have any drive any more. Is it a vicious circle? - no connection therefore losing the drive or losing the drive therefore no connections? Whatever the case, it is making me feel like a very bad mother and wife.

I know it is just a stage and it will pass, but the waiting can be hard.....

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Recharging the Soul

6 years ago we left Toowoomba, Qld after living there for 9 years. It was where two of my children were born, it is where we bought our first house, it is where all of my children started their schooling,it is where I made friends for life. When we lived in Adelaide I tried to visit at least once a year but it was a long and relatively expensive trip. Now we only live a six hours drive away and it was time for a visit. I had arranged to visit a few weeks back, but the day I was meant to leave was the day of the devastating floods, so plans were put on hold. So two weeks ago it was time to try again. A friend who has suffered much grief in her life was celebrating her 40th birthday, so what better excuse!

Past the Fruitosaurus

and into Toowoomba. This really is a beautiful city. I am reminded that I didn't leave here by choice. It really has the best of everything- good schools, good sport, beautiful parks ( it is known as the garden city), good shopping, a great church, a university and only 1 1/2 hrs from the heart of Brisbane. And most of all, great friends. So why did we leave? Because the Major was not professionally satisfied. And that's okay. I miss so much about life in Toowoomba but I have to remember that we are exactly where God wants us to be.

There was time for some shopping (oh how I miss some quality shops). I need a formal dress for an upcoming function and this one was $250 reduced to $85. Bargain! Plus I picked up some decent make up.

There was time for some walking. The view from Picnic Point towards Brisbane is incredible. Unfortunately it was not such a clear day, but still stunning.

My friends 40th was on Thursday night and it was fabulous to catch up with so many friends. Then my Gorgeous girlfriend A, with whom I was staying, organised some girls to come over for dinner on Saturday night.

It was the most beautiful, balmy evening. Great friends, great food.

Church on Sunday to catch up with everyone else and the weekend was complete. What more could I ask for to recharge the soul?? I tried to hard not to have the weekend tainted by feelings of how much I miss everyone and how much I would love to live back here. It all seemed so familiar, felt a lot like home. I reminded myself that it was partly because I am not yet connected after our latest move. That I don't have that special girlfriend yet. No one to catch up with over coffee. No one to share with. It will happen, I know that. But it contributed to all the sentimental overload in Toowoomba! Note to self- there is a bigger plan!

Anyway, after a fabulous 4 days away, it was back home to the real world. ( On a sideline note- listened to my audio book all the way home - The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton. A great read) The Major had been in charge, but had been time consumed by the building of a new shed. Hence, reality hit hard when I walked in the door.

I have two teenage children and one pre-teen. Is that really an excuse for this? Surely they are now old enough if their Dad is super busy, to keep things a little more in order than this?

For a fleeting moment I wondered if the time away was worth it. It didn't take me long to answer, yes it was. without a doubt. But I didn't appreciate coming home to this! My children have so much to learn! Maybe I'm just a bad mother, not teaching them how to look after themselves enough. Or maybe they are lazy teenagers. Am I alone with this??

Miss E has serious tidyness issues. This was the final straw. There was old cans of tuna. Bowls of hard cereal. Wet towels on the floor. Dirty washing a mile high. She has the largest room in the house and after this effort has been warned that she may lose it to one of her brothers. Along with her abundant load of soft toys.

Deep breathing. Remember the weekend, the fabulous food and friends. It was all worth it. The soul has been recharged.